Drugs, Self-Care and What's Coming Next

Read the first part of my story here.

I am very passionate about my business. I am also very passionate about self-care. My business is a major source of self-care for me. Yes, I work 14 - 16 hours a day. Yes, I work 6 days a week. Yes, I get stressed out and upset and burnt out. But the flip side of that, the positive side, is that I get to express my creativity in the items I make. I get to relax and unwind while I am making the items. I get to exercise my brain by learning all the new business techniques and tips and tricks. I get to meet new people and connect with them on a level that most wouldn't. I get to help them learn to express themselves creatively. To learn to find out who they really are. To be comfortable in their own bodies and minds. To help them boost their confidence and self-esteem.

Now, why is all of this important to me? Because at one point, 4 years ago, I wasn't worried about anyone but myself. I had such low self-esteem and confidence that I was suicidal. I was depressed. I had anxiety so bad that I was constantly freaking out about everything, driving my stress levels up. I was strung out on meth and drinking alcohol like a fish in water. Here's my story:

4 years ago (Aug 26th makes 4 years!!) I was a complete mess! I was spun out of my head more often than not. I was dancing on strange men 4 nights a week to pay my bills. I was surviving on roughly 1 or 2 hours of sleep a day, with 2 small children, getting high on meth every time I would feel myself start to get tired. If I wasn't high, I was drunk & quite often, I was both. I was convinced that I needed the drugs to stay awake, and the alcohol to be good at my job. I could not do my job sober, which should have told me that it was not the right job for me to be in, to begin with. But it worked with my schedule and it allowed me to set my own income level. Plus, I was in love with dancing, even if I absolutely hated the being off stage part. Then something happened.

I started feeling sick. The drugs didn't affect me the same way anymore. The alcohol hit me super quick & made me sicker than a dog. I couldn't eat certain foods. I couldn't handle certain smells. I was tired ALL. THE. TIME. So... I peed on a stick. And go figure, I was pregnant with baby #3! Just what I needed, right? The funny thing about higher powers is that they really do know exactly what you need, even before you do.

3 days after I got that positive test, I was getting high in the bathroom. I knew that I had to do something to change my life. I got rid of my supply for free. Basically flushed over $50 down the toilet. I quit my job. I became a hermit. I cut myself off from every single person that I knew was toxic, using, or otherwise unhealthy. In AA/NA, they teach us to change our people, places, and things in order to create and maintain a healthy environment to maintain sobriety and reduce the risk of relapsing. I had attended AA/NA meetings with an ex that had gotten in legal trouble. He was required to be there. I was along for the ride because I was trying to overcome my drinking problem while pregnant with my 2nd child. I maintained sobriety for roughly 9.5 months. I was a month into the pregnancy when I found out and I immediately stopped drinking. And I maintained until after he was a month old. With this 3rd baby, I didn't want to relapse. I wanted to get my life together and make something of myself for my babies. So I put that adage into effect and I changed my whole life. But I was only physically sober. I was not mentally or emotionally sober. This is known as a "dry drunk", and can be applied to both alcohol and drug addicts. For more information on dry drunks, click here.

I cut out all the drugs, all the alcohol, all caffeine & took myself down to almost no sugar. I kept up my exercise, but not by pole dancing. I walked, I rode horses, I cleaned the horse stalls, I maintained my farm animals with heavy lifting and physical labor. I kept myself so busy that I didn't think about getting high or drinking. But I didn't do the emotional and mental work of being sober. I took care of myself physically though. I was at around 107lbs when I got pregnant. I was 165lbs when I gave birth. After my son was born, I kept myself to a healthy 135/140-ish. I stuck to my healthy diet & I kept up my exercising.

If I hadn't gotten pregnant with my youngest son, I would not have invested in that physical self-care. If I hadn't invested in that self-care, I can guarantee I would not be here today to share this with you. However, I have recently started seeing the results of not focusing on the mental and emotional aspects of my sobriety. I did not deal with the underlying reasons I started drinking and using, to begin with. I have recently had to start getting into deep topics with my therapist and even reached out to a recovery advocate to find a sobriety sponsor so that I can back up and do the work that I should have done 4 years ago. THAT is why self-care is so important to me. Not just the physical aspect, but ALL aspects!

THAT is why I want to donate 20% of my August sales to The Truman House and the men that Marty is helping. Marty Norman Live runs an amazing sober living house here locally for male addicts & they are expanding into a second house. He also runs an outreach program that helps addicts like me, both male and female. It was through this outreach program that I was able to find the courage to begin working on the underlying issues. It is through this outreach program that I have gotten to where I am today. It is because of this man and his associates that I am able to bring to you the items that I do, the help that I do, the community that I do. If it wasn't for this man and his program, I wouldn't be mentally capable of doing any of this. 

August 26, 2018, I will also be launching a new product line called Recovery. It is for both recovering addicts/alcoholics AND survivors of Domestic Abuse. It will be items centered around positivity and struggle and a percentage of the proceeds from every piece will be donated to a rotating list of assistance programs. I will be alternating between addiction assistance programs and domestic abuse assistance programs. I am choosing to launch it on August 26th because that is my anniversary of sobriety. I am no longer going to be quiet about my journey. I am no longer going to be quiet about my struggles. Because being quiet helps NO ONE. And I started this business to help others. That is the true mission of The Fae Imagination. Not just to bring you pretty jewelry, but to HELP you to boost your confidence and self-esteem. Because those were my underlying problems. Those were the reasons I started using. You can find that story in my next blog post, coming to you tomorrow!!!